I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize