I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
