"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
