not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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