Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
