she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
