I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
