im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
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