One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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