I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
