What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
