It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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