From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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