Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
