I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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