Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
