I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
