dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
