hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
