My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
