also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
