I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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