She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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