Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
