i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
