We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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