My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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