she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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