am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
