party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
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