No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
