I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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