dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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