I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
