Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
