why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
