The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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