Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
