Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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