Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
please come you make the beer taste better
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
sick fucks of a feather flock together
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
