I cannot find my penis.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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