Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
