Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
