What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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