Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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