wanna go halves on a baby?
Just cropdusted the office
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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