Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
