Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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