I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
