he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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