She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
