while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
