I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
