I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
