it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
so much tequila, so little girl.
The power of my boobs compel you
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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