Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
