3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
