oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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