capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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