I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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