I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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