and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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