my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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